The Invinsible Me

The eternal "I" specialist! I, Me, Myself...these words are always on the forefront in many a mind. "I did it...", "I was thinking...", "I was going to...", "I want to...", "I wish...", "I am better than...". I too am a culprit of all of the above, and then some!

Planning freak, control freak, I-can-do-this freak, nothing's-too-big-for-me freak...yeah that's me. When I was younger it was a challenge to do things on my own; as I grew up I didn't really want to depend on anybody for anything; marriage brought a travelling spouse, so I gladly stepped into the house pants; then followed motherhood-need I say more?!

I don't know when it became an obsession, not the necessity I thought it was. So much so that I would hate to even admit that I had fever or was unwell or just plain tired. Once you reach that stage, then it starts eroding your peace of mind and the constant pressure of being on it just gets to you. Yes...the beginning of "lifestyle related orders" as the doctors call it...this is where the disorderly list begins and takes over your life.

Just maybe...I am not Superwoman, I may be wrong, I may not be in control all the time, maybe, just maybe I am human! I have my limits, my insecurities, my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses. Dealing with these take courage and strength...something which I always thought I had in abundance, remember? But, maybe, just maybe, I need some help. The help which was always available but I never reached out for it. It's time to open the shutters of my mind, the doors to my life, the windows to my soul. It's about time to wake up and smell the coffee (oops! it's hot chocolate in case you've been diagnosed with hyperacidity along with the rest on that damn list!)   

Healing is a great process. Shedding all the excess baggage, allowing yourself to listen to others, giving common sense a chance, loving yourself from within, respecting all the good fortune that has been showered on you, being at peace with who you are and re-activating that never-say-die spirit that lead you here in the first place...of course with enough warnings to that spirit to behave itself this time around! Look closer and you will see the eternal Buddhist principle of "Oneness of life & environment" at work. Once the change starts from within, the entire force of nature gives you another chance.

The new mantra to embrace...love yourself, live guilt-free, live life today, hang on to what's important, leave the rest behind. One wise sister told me, "move forward, not just move on", another wise one said, "you may look back to the past, but don't you go back there" and yet another evolved one told me to chant, "this too shall pass, this too shall pass"! With such awesome advise, tell me need anyone suffer anymore? Duh?

 Can I stop being myself? Never! Can I try and listen to reason and give myself a break? Maybe! Can I live my life today and spread some hope and happiness? Most definitely yes!
 

Daddy's Pet

My earliest memory of my Dad is this strapping young man in uniform, kissing my Mom & me goodbye before going to save the country from it's enemies! Try as I might to replace this image, it just stays put.

Along came my sister and my fear of my Dad's love getting "divided" was proved baseless as he showed his true mettle and just kept on expanding his love for us. So many friends, cousins, relatives, even grandparents...all basked in the sunshine of his love & affection. Unreasonable husband-yes, non-ass licking employee-yes, devoted friend-yes, doting father-100% yes!

Seeing my Dad going through life taught me so many lessons...about doing your work sincerely, always trying to be on time, listening to others, standing up for what's right, helping others from your limited resources, treating man-woman-child equally, living & letting live, most of all being the wind beneath the wings of his children! I treasure each and every value that I learnt from him and hope to carry his legacy forward.

When my Dad fell sick, my world came crashing down. It brought me to my knees and made me doubt my faith. But knowing that he needed his family to be strong, that he needed me was enough to restore my strength. I became stronger than I could have ever imagined, for my Dad, for my Mom and for my Sister. He taught me that! I just followed. I remembered all the times he had been there for the family and how we all leaned on him, and that gave me immense strength.

He's on his path to a slow and sometimes painful recovery. He's not very strong and tends to indulge in self-pity. He forgets to take his medicines and makes my Mom climb walls! He's child-like & sagely, he's difficult & understanding, he's hero & villain, he's praising & complaining, he's fiercely independent & totally dependent- all at the same time! But, beneath it all he's the first man I ever loved with all my heart.

Can I ever imagine a time without him ? Never! Can I try and understand that this is the circle of life? Maybe. Can I now be the rock for him that he always has been for me? Most definitely yes!!

I see the doting look in my daughter's eyes when she looks at her Dad, I see her sharing things with him before me, I hear her answering "I love my dad more than my mom" unabashedly, and instead of feeling sad for myself I see the legacy I have passed on! 

My first blog ever-This one's for you Papa. I Love You!